F&ck Depression

I am a happy person.  A positive person.  I smile and say good morning to everyone, I laugh when I am supposed to, I crack jokes and I participate.  I have great advice on staying positive, keeping perspective and living every day to the fullest because tomorrow is not promised. I believe those sentiments down to my core.  I love my husband, my daughter, my family and my job. I have lots of friends, some who actually know the real me – those few I can truly just be me around.  Those few that have never asked me to be anything but me, without any excuses or apologies.  Those that have never thrown their weight to make me feel guilty for this or that – they just simply accept me for who I am.  In return they know I love them with all my heart and in the same way.  There are some I would lay my life down for without a single pause.

I have a roof over my head, drive a reliable car and there is always plenty of food on the table.   My family is healthy and so am I.  I get up every day with a “it’s a new day, let’s make it count” attitude. I guess what I am saying is I really have nothing to complain about.  My life it good.  I have everything I need.  Yeah me!

Oh wait…there is just one problem – depression.   Years ago when it was the worst it’s ever been to date I went so far as to get help.  Years of therapy with the addition of medication seemed to work.  I was able to finally get off the couch, get out of bed – COPE with just getting through the day.  Of course medication comes with some drawbacks.  Not for me – I was so happy to be functioning, but for others I was really no fun anymore.   No emotions, didn’t care about anything and that seemed to upset others about as much as I was enjoying not having those emotions and not caring.  So with the help of those close to me I quit the medications and learned how to cope on my own.  This worked for a long time until alcohol started to become a problem.

My depression changed as I learned and grew (aged) so instead of being stuck on the couch or not being able to get out of bed (or the endless day to day naps) I just started hiding my depression.  Now everything seemed great (normal) on the outside but on the inside I was feeling empty, lonely, isolated – broken.   So… I drank.  Everyday.   My new normal became getting off work, coming home and pouring that first drink and not stopping until I put myself to bed.   I am sure I was a lot of fun, happy, easy going, and just drinking my way through life.  Forgetting the depression – pushing it away with each cocktail.  It was all good until it wasn’t.

Waking up and not remembering what I had for dinner or even if I ate dinner.   Having that nagging headache in the base of my skull every freaking morning.  Being foggy brained. But I learned how to live like this – for YEARS!  I was functioning just fine.  Keeping my marriage on track, parenting, had lots of friends, house was always clean, dinner was always on the table, I was good at my job. Most of all I was fun.  I knew how to party.  Ask anyone.

I am not someone that has regrets or sits and whines about the past – I just don’t.  So I can’t tell you how many years I lived in this self medicating vicious cycle, but it was a long time, double digit years.  Now is probably a good time to get to the point.   Today is 9/6/19 and I quit drinking 146 days ago.   This shit I am writing is NOT about drinking by the way (so don’t freak out all you drinkers out there), it’s about depression.   I am 146 days in today and the depression is bubbling on the surface something fierce.  The kind I remember.  The reason I started drinking everyday kind.  So instead of going for a drink – which I actually want so bad for the first time in 146 days – I am writing. Writing helps me and because of social media I realize how many people are affected by depression so I decided to share my story in hopes of either letting others who may be going through the same thing know they are not alone or to be reminded that we all have shit to deal with so please be nice to each other.

I must be getting older (wait…I am getting older) because this is the first time in all my years dealing with this that I spent a fair amount of time trying to describe what depression feels like.  I am not sure if this will help me or you or anyone, but for some reason being able to describe it is important to me.   If it doesn’t help me, maybe it can help my spouse, parent, daughter or friend understand what I am going through.  This is no picnic for our loved ones either.  I searched the internet high and low and really didn’t find what I was looking for.  Not any one article really described what I was feeling (sure it touched on it, but never hit it on the head) so I am going to try and put it into my own words.

I am going to start with the first problem for me.   I didn’t tell anyone about my depression years ago, but I do now.  I will say something like I am just struggling today, feeling depressed.    At LEAST that tells people why I am off – not myself.  Why I might not laugh as much or be as talkative or have anxiety or complain or bitch more.  With that, however comes the first issue – those who really care will say, “What can I do to help OR why are you depressed?”  – Keep in mind I am speaking for me.   This is tough because you can’t do anything to help and I have no fucking idea why I am depressed.  This makes me feel broken.  I mean how can I not know why I feel this way?  Makes me feel stupid.  Broken – stupid…just the beginning of how depression feels.   BTW – this is not an insult for those who care about us – they love us and just want to help.  I am smart enough to know this.

Here it is in a nutshell.   Again I say this is how it feels for me.  It comes on without warning, no explanation and no reason.  I think I am smart enough to know (had a lot of therapy) it is most likely triggered.  Could have been an action by me or someone else, could have been something I read or saw, etc. BUT I can’t pin down the exact thing/moment or whatever.  But I do know for me it’s like a switch.  Also, could be nothing that happened as well.   I really don’t know.  I just know when it’s here.  I just think, “Welcome back shitty old friend to what do I owe the pleasure and how long do you plan to stick around this time?”

It’s not so much sadness…I think it feels more like grief.  Like I had something great/special and then I lost it or it was taken from me.   I think everyone can relate to that feeling.   I can also physically feel something in my gut.  It feels like when I was a kid and I knew I did something wrong and I knew I was going to get into trouble.  Or you know when someone says, “I need to talk to you later when we are alone”.  You know you are going to get a talking to or yelled at or whatever.  It’s that feeling you carry until that meeting happens.  Nervous? Anxious?  I don’t know, but that’s the feeling in my gut.  I used to overthink when I felt this way and then I had to deal with feeling inadequate, not normal, broken, different, unworthy, feeling like a burden, and at times wondering what it would be like if I didn’t have to wake up tomorrow.  Now, however I just feel sick. Lost.  Lonely and I want to be alone.  I want to crawl into bed and be left alone until it passes BUT that is never an option. Instead I pretend as best I can that everything is ok/normal.  I still get dinner on the table, dogs fed, smile, laugh when I need to etc. BUT that’s not what I want to do.  I simply want to be left alone.

I am a big believer of one day at a time so for today, I refuse to break and have a drink because what I know and what I would tell anyone in my same position.  It will pass.  It always passes.   Stay strong and ride it out.  Dig for the strength to believe I am none of those negative things I want to tell myself I am and that it is just a ‘feeling’ and not who I am.  I am breaking at least one cycle.  I am not going to deal with this by running to the bottle.   I am stronger than that and yes, this feeling will pass.  Fuck you depression!

 

 

GOAL MET!!!!

So I haven’t gotten back to writing since the half marathon, but  I did it!   I did it in 3 hours 30 minutes and 6 seconds.  6 seconds slower than my goal but I will take it and be proud of it.  My awesome husband also did it and even though he says he is “never f’ing doing this again”, we had a great day.  Hopefully my sister-in-law is up in heaven smiling down on our accomplishment.  None of us would have evern considered signing up for a half marathon if it wasn’t for her.   I did a small amount of training and my husband did absolutely zero and we still both finished in the same time.   You don’t need to run it to make it your goal, but clearly anyone can do this!

Although this day had some sadness surrounding it, it was a wonderful day for my brother.   He should be very proud of all the folks he an Susan motivated to do this and to put together such a nice after party.  As much as my husband says he is NEVER doing this again, I can’t say the same for me.   It was rewarding for me.

 

 

 

5 Days to 13.1

Ok, so I took a couple days off (Friday and yesterday), but Saturday was a good day.  Saturday I got up and went to breakfast with friends.  Came home and suited up for a 10 mile walk.   I am happy to report I went 11.42 miles.  Took me 3 hours and 17 minutes to do that, which I feel is decent considering I was wearing hiking boots, walked mostly on dirt and sand, and had to stop to wait for lights as I crossed some of the major intersections.  I think I will do that same walk one more time this week and that’s it until the big day.   My feet and hips were quite sore Saturday, but I think I could have went another mile and a half so I am feeling pretty good about this half marathon.  Not looking forward to it, but feeling like it won’t cause me issues.

 

This morning however, I am thinking about my next goal.  Yes, like losing weight and exercising is a constant battle….so is the drinking.   Time to re-evaluate and start treating my body a lot better.  That starts with cutting WAY WAY WAY WAY back on the drinking.   This goal will take some serious will power to get under control.    BUT with that comes great reward.

Far from 13.1 miles…

Yesterday I wanted to hit 4 miles. I went 3.85 miles in an hour and five minutes.

Today I wanted to go 8 miles. I went 5:05 miles in an hour and a half.  I struggled getting motivated and then struggled sustaining.  About half way through my stomach was growling.  I was hungry.  My guess is I was tired from not enough calories to sustain today.   Tomorrow I will plan differently.

I work a tiny shift, 6 am to noon. I used to come home and mop floors, clean countertops, do laundry, clean bathrooms, etc.  Last three days I get home, walk…crash and stove up on couch.   This tells me I am seriously out of shape, for me.   I should be able to fit it all in, but struggling to just go, go, go.  I did decide that honestly I am ‘more in shape’ than most people I know – BUT out of shape for me.   Time to fix that.   I have got to figure out how to stay motivated enough to be consistent.   It never used to be an issue, but over the past year I have struggled.   I am guessing it’s emotionally driven, but it will take me some time to dig into WHY I have felt more lethargic and less motivated than in years past.    Hopefully this half marathon will jump start my motivation to carry me throughout the year.    One can hope.

10 days and counting…

I have 8 more days to get some exercise in, day of rest, then race day. Nothing like waiting for the last minute.  I think I singlehandedly defined “PROCRASTINATION”, but I have at least started.  I walked 3.2 miles in 54 minutes yesterday.  My plan is to do the same today.  My plan is to double that tomorrow as well as the next day and then on Saturday double that again so that on Saturday and Sunday I go at least 10 miles, hopefully with 15 minute miles so I can complete the 10 miles in 2.5 ish hours.  Wish me luck.

11 days, 13 hours, 39 minutes and counting

So starting with only 16 days to go was a complete and total bust.  No one to blame but myself of course, but a total bust.   Difficult to get motivated with a cold and the holidays directly upon us.    Well, at least it is now a new year and it does ‘feel’ like a good time to start fresh.  So once again I am just going to pick myself up by my bootstraps and rally all over again.   Now I have 11 days, 13 hours, 39 minutes before I will be up to my ears in a high heart rate, sore hips, and being frustrated with myself for not actually training and prepping for a 13.1 mile walk (at once I thought I could walk/run this, but those dreams are long gone).

 

I have to make a plan and stick with it.   Aside from the day directly prior to race day I have to commit to daily cardio – outside, walking.   By day 9 I need to have least walked 10 miles without much issue.     Looks like my neighbors are going to be seeing a lot of me as I do laps around our neighborhood.

My First Half Marathon

I made the decision to walk/run my first half marathon over a year ago.  Yes, over a year ago.  With great intentions to actually ‘train’.  They say it takes about 14 weeks of training.  A daily commitment of alternatiing cardio and strength training.  I did what any ‘normal’ person would do who committs to such an endeaver and went a bought a book, searched online for traning ideas, researched shoes, clothing, etc.  I had grand intentions….that went to shit.

So hear I am 16 days, 15 hours, 36 minutes and 51, 50, 49 seconds until race day.  Yeah, I am shaking my head, Berating myself for being such a dumbass (not sure if I feel more dumb not training or more dumb for signing up), but trying to be optimistic.  I decided this is just flat out going to be a challenge I WILL overcome.  I plan to succeed, keep a smile on my face, and to by some miracle not die before I cross the finish line. If I were two weeks away from a 10K I’d feel awesome about it, but you know there is a big difference between 6.2 miles and 13.1.

With that said, today will officially be day 1 of training.  Now I love my husband dearly- a true sport.  I told him I was going to get out and walk/run today and his reply was, “might as well until January 2^nd and enjoy a little more lazy time”.    God bless him.  Did I mention he is in this with me??  He also has done absoltuely no training whatsoever.   I think we got ourselves fooled that because we’ve hiked some mountains the past few months that we are good to go.  I mean how hard can a flat 13.1 miles be anyway???  I suppose in my head it doesn’t seem that hard, but when you talk to others and start reading all the hype about “how to run your first half marathon” it starts to scare me.

So for whatever reason today seems like a good enough day to get started.  LOL  I shall keep blogging this adventure because in the end I absolutely 100% plan to be able to say, “if I can do it you can!”

Reflection on 2017

As I was headed out for work this morning and I crossed over the cattle guard at the end of our drive I thought to myself…”Shit, never thought I’d live in a place where to get in and out I had to go over not one, but two cattle guards.”.   Then I started thinking not in a million years did I ever think I would be living in the middle of the desert.  Having grown up in the damp, chilly and sometimes down right cold Pacific Northwest I never even dreamed what desert living would be like.

That one single thought led to an entire morning of reflection that I wasn’t prepared for. I actually spend little time reflecting on the past (or the future for that matter), but today was a day of reflection.  I am sitting at my desk at a job I never dreamt I’d be in, in a city I never even heard of 3 ½ years ago, eating microwavable mac N cheese for breakfast (something else I never do) and thinking to myself, “What parts of 2017 really mattered?”

2017 was a hard year for me.  I had worked with and along-side my husband for 18 years and the year started with me being notified I was getting laid off.  Not only was I notified I would be let go I was told I needed to train my off-shore replacement (you can imagine how well I took that).  In the first few months of the year I learned that more than one of my friends was dealing with either loss, cancer or some other inoperable disease.   In July I started a much needed vacation I never got to take, ending after a few short days due to the loss of my sister-in-law.  The months following were spent getting to know a brother I hardly knew and trying to help a niece I knew even less.   I was in a position I truly wasn’t prepared for.

I learned though.  Boy, did I learn some shit in 2017.

Without taking too much time, I learned that worrying about a lost job is a waste of time in more ways than one.  I learned when one door closes another door opens.  I learned losing a job is a time to change your future, to make choices that will make you happier.  It is God’s way of telling you it’s time to move on.  I am blessed that a new job – a better job suited to me – found me.   Blessed it allows me more time at home and with family.

One of the biggest things I learned in 2017 is how to listen.  I mean really listen.  When someone is grieving, when someone is terminal, when someone is going through something very difficult to understand or deal with —- they just need someone who cares, who listens.  I know far too many people who hear, and few who listen.

“I understand”,  “I can imagine”,  “I am sorry”, “it will get better”, “things happen for a reason”, “it will get easier”……. Those phrases didn’t change a damn thing in 2017 so I learned to just listen.

In 2017 I learned what helplessness feels like.  I learned what it is like to be truly depended on as well.  I understand more than ever that we aren’t even guaranteed ‘today’.   I learned that it is important to take care of yourself and get regular check-ups and to encourage those we love to do the same.  I learned that every moment we have with our friend, our spouse, our parent, our sibling is just one moment that at any time may be our last.  I learned what ‘family’ means.   I learned life goes on.  Sometimes quite painfully, but it goes on.   I am more convinced than ever that everything does happen for a reason, a greater reason, even if it makes absolutely no sense at all at the time.

So back to my original question, “What parts of 2017 really mattered?”  I will tell you.  “Every single moment”.

46 Things I Learned in 46 Years

The 46 things I have learned in my 46 years on this earth. (In no particular order…and obviously my perspective)

1. Parents are the only people that love unconditionally (and I didn’t say all parents).  Parents know unconditional love when they become parents and sometimes – although rare – they can love others unconditionally.  If you think about it – everyone else can come up with at least one reason to stop loving someone (I have learned there are always conditions).
2. You don’t fall in love at first site, but it’s a helluva good start.
3. ALL relationships (friends, siblings, parents, spouses, children, etc.) are cyclical.  They grow, evolve, and always if long lasting have ups and downs.
4. There is no reason to make time for people in my life that don’t bring me up more often than bring me down.
5. First impressions are not always correct – but by the 2^nd and 3^rd pretty much in the bag.
6. Love is love.   Race, Religion, sex, one or many — in my humble opinion, all irrelevant.  Love is love.
7. I may not love everything about myself, but I love myself.  I shall always be a work in progress or what’s the point?
8. When you get down to it the only thing I have control over is me.
9. There is a fine line in changing for you and changing for someone else.  I try not to be fooled into changing for the wrong reasons in either case.
10. If in a relationship only one person is doing all the changing there is going to be a problem – eventually.
11. Being a parent is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  The second hardest having a marriage I can be proud of.
12. Once you have a place in my heart and life, I would give my heart and life for you.
13. Nothing cleans up red wine or cat pee out of the carpet.
14. Animals only puke on carpet or rugs – almost always in the middle of the night.  Often there is a stubbed toe during the process.
15. I am not afraid to die.   I am living my life with no regrets.  All I care about when I do die is that those that hold a place in my heart know exactly what they meant to me – especially my daughter.
16. I believe there is a God, I believe everything happens for a reason, and I believe there is a silver lining around every cloud.  I also believe in spirits, afterlife, and the asshole that lives downstairs.
17. I learned the world does not revolve around me and get very irritated when I am with someone who believes it revolves around them.
18. The only superpower I wish I had was to allow others to see themselves through my eyes – or another person’s eyes.  I have learned if you can’t sit back and see things from other angles you will lose out.  Narrow-mindedness and selfishness are ugly traits that are damaging to relationships.
19. If I don’t try how will I know if I can or can’t?
20. Learning to love what my husband loves has been one of the greatest blessings in my life – and one of the smartest things I’ve ever done.  It’s my number one marriage tip right after never go to bed angry.
21. Having my husband tell me and show me almost daily how much he loves me, finds me sexy, irresistible, and beautiful – keeps my heart singing and makes me always want him to feel that way so letting myself go is out of the question.
22. Submitting to my husband does not mean being a doormat.  It means he will listen and hear me, but knows beyond a shadow of a doubt he is ultimately in charge.
23. Giving up is ALWAYS the easy way out but comes at a price.
24. Not giving up is ALWAYS the hardest route, but comes with reward.
25. I can count on a hand and a half the number of people in my life that REALLY know me.
26. I have no business judging others and don’t waste much time doing it.  People have to walk their own paths, make their own mistakes, and grow at their own pace.
27. No matter how many times someone asks for advice – they will never follow it.   People make decisions based on their own moral compass, feelings, and experiences.   We all have to learn our own lessens.   Seems wasteful, but it’s a fact of life.
28. If I look hard enough I can almost always find humor in everything.
29. Sarcasm is my ugly coping mechanism and I struggle to keep it in check.
30. Perspective is the best way to feel better about anything.
31. Housework should be done on the weekdays, not the weekends.
32. Always make time for playing together, family time, being alone, and getting away.
33. Don’t be afraid to try new things.
34. A good marriage is not 50/50 or 100/100.  It’s exactly what you make it.
35. Resentment is a virus and can kill.  Learning to avoid built up resentment was a hard thing for me to learn.
36. A job is a job.  You will never be more important than the bottom line.  Giving your all to a company that would not do the same in return is foolish.  With that said – I believe we need to earn a living and for those 40 hours you should do the best job you can.
37. Don’t ever forget intimacy and what that really means.  It can come I many forms.
38. Sex is sex and making love is making love – and it’s more than okay to do both.
39. When your guy says he wants to pull over and do you right here on the side of the road I suggest you always say yes.   It’s a freaking awesome compliment.
40. Don’t forget to tell the people in your life how much you love them as often as you can.  You never know when it may be the last time.   I know everyone has heard this but how many actually do it.   I start and/or end many conversations with, “I love you”.
41. Everyone at some point should say they are sorry to their parents.  God knows they had to put up with your shit for years.  It’s the least you can do.
42. Ultimatums never work in the end and effectively communicating is not overrated.
43. There is absolutely nothing wrong with naps.
44. Gossip is a completely shitty thing to do and we all fall into the trap once in a while.
45. Faith is essential.
46. There was a time I didn’t want to get out of bed or wake up ever again…  I have learned that every day I wake up is a blessing not to be taken lightly or for granted.

Choose to BE!

The other day my friend went on a rant on about a dozen things wrong with his life and he ended it with, “and what part of any of that was in my control?” My answer? “All of it”. I get it – there are ‘things’ in this world that happen ‘to you’. Rape, murder, break-ins, natural disasters, etc. And even with those events you still have control over how you react to them, right? I guess what I mean is we completely control our decisions and our reactions. So when you sit and bitch because you hate your job, or you hate the cold / weather, you hate that you drink, you hate that you are overweight, or worse you bitch about the people you spend time with or are dating / married to… seriously I just want to slap you and say, ‘FIX IT THEN!”

No it’s not hard. It’s a decision / it’s a reaction. Start making decisions and choosing reactions that will benefit you and your well-being. Quit bitching about things you CAN change (I suggest you make changes). Quit bitching about things you CAN’T change (I suggest you react differently to them). Remember one thing however, It is NOT a fine line between the two – it is a very easy to see and distinct line between the things you can or can’t change. Blaming others and making excuses seems to run rampid in this country.

Folks – we are responsible for ourselves. It isn’t your best friend’s job, your spouse’s job, the government’s job, your boss’s job, your parent’s job, or anyone else’s job for that matter to FIX you or your perceived problems, or tell you how to react to the things around you. It is entirely up to you to:

Be happy
Be successful
Be healthy
Be courageous
Be content
Be inspired
Be motivated
Be sober
Be self-confident
Be true and honest
Be kind
Be faithful
Be supportive
Be present
Be the best you can be in any situation at any time

It is up to you to understand we all fail and make mistakes sometimes, but if we are lucky there is always tomorrow to make it right – to fix it- to start a change in motion to sometimes fix our mistakes or ensure a different outcome later. I wish people would just ‘get it’. I wish they would take a look at where they are right now and honestly understand how they got there. 9 times out of 10 it’s is because of the choices THEY made.

• I am overweight because I eat too much, eat the wrong foods and/or don’t exercise, love food, enjoy eating out…
• I drink too much because for whatever reason I am not strong enough to put the freaking bottle down or face the reason WHY I am drinking, I am self-medicating, I am unhappy when I am sober…
• I am not successful in my career because I didn’t go to college, I didn’t pursue a different career, I was unwilling to learn something new, I was afraid to change jobs, I am afraid to approach my boss, my pride has gotten in the way, I hate my job…
• I am in a miserable relationship because I am afraid to leave or be alone, I keep thinking the other person will change, I don’t think I deserve any better, I don’t think I am worthy of something better, I worry how they will make it without me, I don’t want people to know…
• I don’t have any ‘real’ friends because I am not a good friend to them, because I keep surrounding myself with people that are miserable, because I keep hoping they will change, because I am intolerant and or impatient…
• I have never finished anything or I never finish what I start because I give up, I get bored, I get distracted, I get side tracked
• I am broke because my priorities are screwed up, because I needed that new car, because I needed that vacation, because I needed that dress or pair of shoes, because I needed to eat out, because I put myself in debt, because I don’t save money, because I don’t put necessities first, because I don’t make a budget….
• I am unhappy because I keep making these same choices/excuses over and over and over again. Worse is I expect them to change without doing a damn thing different.
o Etc. etc. etc.

I wish I could convince people that they have choices. I wish they could see what I see when I look at them rather than what they see when they look inside of themselves.
I wish I could inspire everyone to have a little more faith in themselves, to believe they are worth change and worthy of true happiness.

• I CHOOSE to be healthy by CHOOSING to eat healthier foods and getting some exercise
• I CHOOSE to stop drinking because I am not feeling good about it anymore.
• I CHOOSE to be successful by accepting the job I have and learning how to enjoy it or make the most of it. I CHOOSE to quit and find something else that will make me happier. I CHOOSE to ask for a raise / talk to my boss, I CHOOSE to go to school, I CHOOSE to accept and like my job.
• I CHOOSE to be in a fun, loving, and fulfilling relationship. I CHOOSE to be with someone I respect, admire, enjoy spending time with, and feels the same way about me.
• I CHOOSE my friends by surrounding myself around people who are like me, who make me happy and who make me feel better after being around them. I CHOOSE to be a good friend back. I CHOOSE to be present in all relationships important to me
• I CHOOSE to finish everything I start because it makes me feel empowered and accomplished. It’s rewarding.
• I CHOOSE to not be broke by changing my spending habits, putting off buying things even though I really want them…
• I CHOOSE to be happy by making the best choices I can day to day, not being afraid of change, and not get caught up in the past (even yesterday) or in my own self-doubt.
o Etc. etc. etc.

My point is clear. Quit bitching or make changes. I understand being tentative of change or choice because heck, you might fail…. But how would you ever know without trying? Isn’t it better to at least try? And for God Sakes.. don’t be afraid of succeeding. All I know with 100% accuracy is if you don’t do something different nothing will ever change.

Go… CHOOSE to BE someone great.